This is my story...

Placing the Blame as Students Are Buried in Debt

That's a link to this awesome article. Yes, the article is long. But it's my exact story. To the tee. Find and replace New York University (NYU) with University of Michigan (UM), up the salary a lil bit, and up the monthly loan payments toooo....

Okay let's start over.

Speedy Spender, what would you consider the biggest mistake of your life so far?

My school loans. It's such a conflicting feeling. I loved attending Michigan. I miss it, everyday. I was challenged, I learned a lot, met some great peeps, grew A LOT as a person, and thoroughly enjoyed myself. But if I had a choice to do it alll over or walk away and leave all of those great things I gained behind, I'd walk away.

Moment of clarity: I'm pretty ashamed of the amount of student debt I've racked up. Why? Because I don't think it accurately reflects how smart I actually am...which pisses me off. I'm okay with telling people I'm around about the $100,000 mark. But I think I've only admitted to one person outside of my family how much that amount actually is.

Channeling the courageousness of my lovely line sister Samantha...drum roll please...

$139,000

This is the total amount I would have to pay back today, including interest accrued up through January 2011.

Granted...I have two degrees with that amount. That makes me feel slightly better...I guess. In 20 years or so, when I finish paying my loans, I will be able to say that I put myself through school. That's empowering. God has blessed me with a job that even allows me to pay back my loans (a lot of people can't say that) regardless of how uncomfortable and hard it is. At the end of the day...I should be happy right?

Wrong.

Okay, forgive me Lord, for the massive amount of complaining I'm about to do. Please. Thank you.

I have these battles...in my head...all the time, where I try to convince myself not to feel horrible. I have all out emotional break downs asking myself what in the world have I done. Dreams of saving up enough money to purchase my first home...I don't even really think about it...as it stands I'm basically already paying off a 25 year mortgage. My degrees are my house. As of now, I can't even afford to LIVE on my own, renting. In essence, having my own, cozy, 1bdrm apartment, would require me being able to pay two rents essentially, seeing as though my loan payments are a rent in and of themselves. There isn't really anyone to blame wholly. I was young...I didn't know. My parents were proud...and my high school teachers and counselors told them not to worry, getting loans to pay for school was "normal" and my wonderful degree would make it all worth it. I actually think my mom still believes this to a certain extent. She always tells me "this was an investment." And in my head I say "yeah, a really bad one."

Now don't get it twisted. I had scholarships, grants, etc. My cost of attendance as an out of state student was $40k for four years of undergrad and $60k for one year of graduate school. That's $220k for 5 years. My loans, federal and private, account for about half of that pre-interest. So I wasn't just some lazy student unwilling to look for free money. However, free money doesn't come AS easy to middle class students whose parents "make enough" to pay for them to get through school. You know, too rich to be poor, too poor to be rich. That thing.

Anyway, all of this was to say...many of you may wonder how I can be 25 and so financially conscious. I kind of don't have a choice but to be. I've already dug a pretty deep hole for myself. There's very little room for error left.  
I often feel trapped. I often feel blessed. I often feel hopeless. I often feel hopeful. I often feel angry. I often feel overjoyed.

My school loans. It's such a conflicting feeling.

That's my story. If you got nothing else from this post, at least now you know where the name "Speedy Spender" came from. ha!

And while I don't know who to blame...the article raises a good point. Whose fault is it? If lenders and schools continue making school loans so easy to accumulate for students graduating in an economy where they are even less likely to be able to pay them back...will we see a loan bubble similar to the housing bubble? Scary.