The Cheating Debate: To Stay or Walk Away

In light of recent reality television events and profound conversations I've engaged in with my friends and coworkers, I have decided to have a few-part series (I don't know how many yet..lol) on the Cheating Debate.

Part I: To Stay or Walk Away

If you watch Love and Hip Hop on VH1, you witnessed first hand, Chrissy's (who rapper Jim Jones has been in a committed relationship with for 7 years) monologue regarding how the girlfriends/baby mommas/wives of high profile rappers (and we can go ahead and lump athletes and other famous and fine men), should approach their relationships...realistically.

If you don't watch, you can get a summary of what she said here.

 I think we can all agree that at least Chrissy isn't naive. The part that gets cloudy is whether or not it's acceptable for her to just be satisfied with the fact that when you date a certain caliber of man (specifically the kind with groupies) there will be infidelity. And although no woman wants that, it's part of the package. The way you know he loves and respects you is [not by whether or not he cheats at all, but..] by how well [or poorly] he keeps it a secret.

For Emily, Chrissy's friend, the problem with rapper Fabulous is that he was all out and about with his cheating, which is obviously a lack of respect. But for her and Jimmy...well Jimmy knows better than to let her see or hear anything. And that demonstrates his respect for their relationship.

Now in just typing that, I see something inherently wrong with Chrissy's definition of respect. Because if that's respect then what is it called when your man just doesn't ever cheat on you. Is that like...super respect?

On the other hand...reality is reality. Andddd the reality of it all is that, famous or not famous most men cheat. I said most not all. Repeat, most not all. And what Chrissy is saying here is that because this is quite impossible to avoid, at the very least, a man should make sure his hos stay silent. I can bang with it...kind of.

In the link above, the YBF blogger maintains that she's sick of women settling for men mistreating them just because it comes nicely packaged with big houses and expensive things. Why can't you be bossy, attain your own, buy you own big house and expensive things, and find a man who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Why just turn the other cheek just because you're too lazy to make your own?

She has a valid point.

But in conversation with some of my good girlfriends we all agreed...that ish is easier said than done. Because as women who have attained degrees (some of us multiple), are independent, and have our heads on straight, it is hard as hell to find a great normal ass faithful man.  I would argue that it's as if you have to pick one or the other: respect yourself, be independent, attain and buy your own OR be a good woman, let a man be the head of your household, buy you nice things and be okay with the fact that he occasionally steps out on you (as long as he knows how to keep it hush, hush). Raise your hand if you know more than a couple people with the best of both worlds.

Anddd as the saying goes...the grass isn't always greener. Women like myself, who are independent and self sufficient (and are usually sitting on our high horses talking about what we ain't gon' deal with), are thinking, well maybe it wouldn't be so bad to tolerate the cheating because we are just sick of being out here single as all get out. And women on the other side (say an Emily of sorts) feel like, I'm worth more than this and I need to show him I don't need his ass. The money and nice ish don't mean more than my dignity at the end of the day.

But the truth of the matter is that as soon as you switch sides, you'll probably miss what you had on the other side. That of course, doesn't really keep anybody from switching...

So I can respect Chrissy...because she's chosen her side and she's sticking with it. I think she realizes that the alternative comes with it's set of issues as well...and it's really just about which set of issues you want to take on. And when you look at it that way...well, it's pretty darn simple whether you should...

Stay or Walk away

What do you think? Is Chrissy completely wrong, right or in between? Men, we would love to hear from you as well!! Comment below.

Making Him Wait

We all have different perspectives on how "long" we should make a guy wait to get the goodies. But do we ever think about whether we're making a guy wait too long?

Check it. I read an article in the February issue of Essence Magazine that talked about relationship myths. One of them (and obviously the one that really caught my attention), was something along the lines of:

"Giving it up too soon will give a guy the wrong impression and lump you into the easy/hobags category." 

To my surprise, the guy "expert" lending his advice for this myth said that as an adult, the time in which it takes to get the drawers doesn't heavily weigh on a guy's decision to seriously pursue a woman. He mentioned that he's had long relationships with women who he has slept with the first night they met him as well as women who made him wait a few dates, weeks, months.

We (women) always think that if you give it up too soon the guy will automatically think that everybody is hittin' it that soon. But he suggested that's not the case. Guys are cocky. They don't think every guy gets it that soon, they just think they did. Swag. lol. Basically, it plays to a guy's ego.

Who knew?!!!

Furthermore... he mentioned that actually, when a woman makes him wait too long...he oftentimes gets annoyed and becomes uninterested. *brakes screeching* WHAAAAT?!

Yall, this threw me...like all. the. way. Why would a woman wanting to be sure about taking the next step in a relationship make any good man disinterested? Or would it? If a man becomes disinterested...does that mean he wasn't any good for you anyway? Or does it mean, you're trippin' woman?

Readers...male and female...WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!

• What is the best window of time (to not give it up too soon but not make him wait too long)?
• How many men have actually become uninterested in a woman mostly based on this factor?
• Is this guy's perspective true for most men?

I would really love your thoughts in the comments section below. Please share! Let's discuss!

When are we...Damaged Goods?

Damaged Good (noun) - \damn-edge-d goo-d\ One who is no longer deemed valuable, desirable, or wanted due to being perceived as defective by the opposite sex, mainly because of a long-standing single relationship status. <She's beautiful and smart but she's 35 and has never been married, she must be damaged goods.>

I thought the rule of thumb is 30. Once you're 30, never been married, never been close to being engaged, are as single as a dollar, the perception by men is that something must be wrong with you. Because of course if you are educated, attractive and personable then a man somewhere would have scooped you up and put a ring on it. So because that isn't the case, something must be wrong with you.

The first date question will go from, "so, tell me about yourself..." to "so, why are you single..." Even more importantly, answering this question with "oh, I'm just young, focused on my career and having fun dating" is no longer acceptable. If you say that, something is REALLY wrong with you.

Recently, (as I approached the big 2-5) it was brought to my attention that this age has now been bumped up to 25! Well hot damn! I am 25! Lol. Scary right? Ehhh a little. 

Because I’m on this life high right now, I can write this post from a very positive point of view. If you all had caught me 4 months ago…oh gosh, I don’t even want to think about what negative things I would’ve had to say. 

I semi agree that by some age, a woman should, at the very least, have been in some form of a long-term, serious commitment (even if it didn't end in marriage). But I also think that there may in fact be a very good reason (or several) why this hasn't happened for said woman. Not to mention, what if the problem with a woman is that she sticks around in meaningless commitments non-relationships too long??? So yeah, a guy has put up with her for 2-3 years, buttttt the entire time she was really just his "bottom bish" and he has always been waiting for something better to come along. How many of us know (or were) that woman??? Exxxxactly. These days...the days of non-titles and non-relationships, it doesn't seem as cut and dry as it was in the past; the past days of one man, one woman, love, a proposal, marriage and then kids.

So if we must keep this rule, I would like to argue that the age should be 30 (and very soon being increased to 32, if only for my sake..lol). I mean at 25, you’ve barely started your career (most of us are about 3 years in). At the VERY least, you’re JUST becoming grounded. You’ve JUST become financially stable, developed a decent life savings, maintained a certain standard of living for a little while, and gotten into the groove of adulthood. Who in his right mind would expect you to be finished and scooped up by 25??? Now, I’m not knocking anyone who is...that’s awesome! However, for those of us who aren’t…I think it is only fair that we get another 5 years before we become…

Damaged Goods.

please.and thank you.

Match.WRONG

Okay, so this post requires me to be a little open and honest with you guys...but eh, what the hell, it's MUCH too funny not to share.

I recently, as in 2 days ago, signed up on Match.com, to give this online dating this a try...for the second time. Yes, I signed up for the 1st time while I was in public [accounting] and traveling 70% of time time. I think I lasted 30 days before I was completely disgusted and mortified that this could possibly be the pool of men I have to choose from. My initial reasoning for trying it out was because work didn't allow me to meet anyone...well outside of work. And two people I worked with met their boyfriend/husband on Match so I thought maybe I should take the stick from out of my *blank* and give it a try.

This time around, I decided...okay this could be a fun way to meet people during the winter months. Maybe, just maybe, there would be some cool cats on there. Keep in mind that I'm very picky when it comes to guys, probably much more picky than I have the right to be. It's cool though, I'm working on it. lol.

Anywho, day two and I get an email from some 38 year old man that reads:

I love you lady i live downtown chicago i,m a dj love me some oldschool and new2 so if you like a friend and a best friend or aman you can holla@yo man that me like going out to movie ' show ' bowling ,staking ,walk to the lake so if you need some thing like dat in your lyfe e.mail me and i will do the rest you feel me lady my queen is needed…

Seriously.

Seriously.

SERIOUSLY?!

After reading through it once, I had to send it to my bestie to decipher what the hell this guy was saying to me and she came up with:

I love you lady
I live in downtown Chicago
I'm a dj
I love old school and new school too
If you want a friend, a best friend, or a man--give me a call
I like movies ("the show"), bowling, skating, walks on the beach/lake
So if you enjoy these things too, e-mail me and I will gladly do the rest
Do you understand?
I need someone in my life that I can treat like a queen...

I just...I can't.

What Is Your Capacity?

Have you ever had a friend, significant other or any other person in your life, whom you felt was not giving as much of themselves to your relationship as you were. Even worse, it felt like they just didn’t get it. They didn’t understand why what they were giving wasn’t enough. They were looking at you like you had the problem!

Well last night, I heard a sermon from T.D. Jakes that posed a very interesting question:

What is your capacity?

Bishop’s sermon came from Exodus, the story of the Manna and the Quail. If you’ve never read it, check out chapter 16 of Exodus.

The part of the sermon that spoke to me was God and fairness. In the scripture, God provides manna, which is food, for the people. Some got more manna than others, but the people who got little, got enough, and the people who got a lot, got enough. One would think, well that's not fair, why did some get more than others. And to this point Bishop pointed out:

Who said God is fair? The bible does not say anywhere that God is fair. It says that God is just.  He further pointed out the difference between these two words:

Fair is to divide equally. Just is to respond to capacity. If you haven’t caught on yet, this means, God gives however much each person has the capacity to handle. For those families that had the capacity to eat more food he gave more, for those who did not, he gave less.

Bishop Jakes went on to compare this to relationships (this is where it gets relevant y'all). He pointed out that the problem with a lot of the relationships and marriages of today is that folks don’t have the same capacity. The man or woman you are in love with but you don’t feel like they’re loving you equally in return, may not have the same capacity to give as much love as you do. Sometimes, a person can be loving you as best they know how, with all of their might, giving you everything they have to give, but they may only have the capacity to give a “cup” while you have the capacity to give a “quart.” So that cup will never be enough for you. And you will burn up all of your energy trying to force that person to give you more than they are capable of giving.

  

Now I'm sure you're asking, as was I, how does one build their capacity? Bishop covered this as well: Your hunger (or drive) allows you to gain more capacity. As you push to love better, live better and do better, you gain the ability to handle more. On the other hand, if you remain complacent, your capacity will never grow.

Definitely an "a-ha" moment, as Oprah would say, for me. I'm sure we can all think back on past relationships that didn't work out for whatever reason and now realize that maybe the other person wasn't a bad person per se, maybe they just didn't have the capacity to give the same to the relationship that we did. Conversely, for those of us who have been left by someone when we felt like we were giving things our all, maybe we were giving it our all but they had the capacity to give a little bit more and thus expected more. The key, to finding SUCCESS in a relationship, is to find a person with the same capacity as you. And at the very least, we should all be pushing to love better, live better and do better, so that we will be able to give (and receive) the biggest capacity possible.

Chuch

For those of you who would like to hear this sermon, I've attached the video. The video is from the first time he preached this sermon at The Potters House (Bishop Jakes' church). The sermon starts about half way through the video.

Are you financially compatible with your (potential) spouse?

I found this cute quiz on CNN Money and thought I'd share. We're at that age where marriage is an option and most of us are looking forward to spending the rest of our lives with someone special. But oftentimes we underestimate the impact of our own (or our partner's) financial habits on the potential lifelong partnership. You will hear this over and over, and statistics have shown, repeatedly, that the leading cause of divorce is MONEY.

Somehow, when we're all in love (and before we're married), we don't take it as seriously as we should. I mean how petty would you sound if you told your homies you were deciding not to marry your sig other because his/her financial habits are just atrocious...or don't align with your long term financial goals. That sounds kind of silly right? It's like, you're giving up on the supposed love of your life because of THAT...something as simple as money. Their money habits could change! You aren't perfect either. You'll just take ownership of the bills and budgeting. You'll closely monitor the spending. You'll keep it all in check.

As quickly as we put this problem to the side and decide to deal with it later...it comes rearing it's ugly head and we wish we would've thought twice.

One of the things I admire most about one of my "young role model couples" is that before they got married, they seemed to have a very secure hold on how they would work together financially. They didn't live together but they both considered each other in the majority of their financial decisions. A financial problem for one person, was seen as a financial problem for the other as well. It was always a group effort...even while they were on their way to marriage. Smart move I think.

So the quiz asks a few questions (about 11) on your spending habits and financial decision making skills. At the end it categorizes you into one of four buckets:

1) Socially Driven
2) Financially Driven
3) Physically Driven
4) Inner Driven

I ended up with at least two points in each bucket but I ended up being mostly inner driven. My close second place was financially driven. I would have to heavily agree with both those assertions.

You take it (even if you're single) and have your partner take it (if you're not). See if it matches up with your perceived financial strengths in the relationship. Maybe you'll find out something new! At least, you'll start up a conversation you may need to have before making any major decisions :-)

Financial Compatibility Quiz