Are Women Too Picky or Are Men Really Shitty?

I enjoy reading a few blogs written by young Black males, mainly because they give an interesting perspective on how today's pool of young Black women are viewed by our counterparts. An overarching theme I've heard from these guys, and many others within my network, is that women are too picky.

Sometimes, I'm inclined to agree with this assertion. I myself, have deleted a few items from my list of must-haves in a man. But I'm not 100% sure I did this because my list was wrong of me to have in the first place, or if it was just too darn unrealistic given the current pool of men out here.

More often than not, we (and I'm speaking for the college-educated, good career toting, own apartment/house and car, no kids, attractive and fashion forward women) are criticized for having a laundry list of expectations and demands for any guy we'll even consider dating material, let alone boyfriend or husband material. While I would agree that it does limit us to the pool of men to choose from...I'm not quite sure that it's irrational for us to have this list.

Traditionally, and let's admit it, the majority of us want to operate traditionally, men are the captain of the ship, the head of the household, the provider, the leader, the man. I think that for me and women like me, who have attained a lot at a fairly young age, it might just be the case that it takes a long laundry list to be the captain of our ships.

Let's take me for example. I am 25, with an advanced degree, my own apartment, my own car, I am looking to make manager at my current job in the next two years (so my goal is to make director by the time I'm 30)...if I attain this, it means hopefully making six figures by or before I turn 30. (These are GOALS...hint hint, looking for a man who has them!) I'm pretty sure I'd be considered normal by social standards...I make friends easily, I have a broad network of peers in multiple career areas, I come from a pretty decent family...oh and I almost forgot, I don't have any kids and I'm a Certified Public Accountant.

I would like to think that "long" laundry list of, what I'd like to call, "bossy" qualities about myself (please excuse my lack of humility for the purposes of this post), entitles me to request the same of any man I want to give my attention to. No?

With that in mind, I'd want a man between 25-30, with an advanced degree, his own apartment/home (I don't have a roommate, but compromise is key so I won't judge if he has one) and car, on the career track to be making at least six figures by 30 (if he's not doing it already), with a decent network of friends, colleagues and peers (don't be a weirdo or asshole), a good family, and some type of [hard to attain] licensure for his line of work. NO KIDS. And it would be nice if he were also attractive (by my standards) and God-fearing.

That man almost sounds like Mr. Perfect huh?

I feel like if I made a bold statement that this is what I want, this is my list...my mama might even tell me I'm asking for too much. But why? All I'm asking for is someone like me!

Check this: In the military, you don't get to become the Captain if you haven't yet proven yourself to be a great Lieutenant. Furthermore, the Lieutenant never leads the Captain...ever. Why would I want a man to be the Captain of my ship and he hasn't even made it to my rank...Lieutenant? I'll let you think about it.

To take this a little further...

We all love the Obamas, not only because they are the President and First Lady of the United States, but because they represent tradition. Barack is the man, he is the Captain, there is no confusion about that. Michelle is his wife, the mother of his children, she is the Lieutenant, and she follows his lead. Yet and still, Michelle is a very accomplished woman in her own right. We get the impression that her husband respects her and loves her, regardless of their ranks. But, would we look at their relationship the same if Barack were a truck driver (or insert any career here that doesn't make as much as Michelle did before she became the First Lady) and Michelle were just as successful as she was before the Presidency?

Probably not. I mean we'd probably feel like Michelle is on her "ish". But we wouldn't glorify the couple in the same way we do now. The order would be messed up...that's not the way things are supposed to be...it doesn't follow tradition...it isn't normal. And let's admit, the reason we love the Obamas is because they are as "normal" of a couple as it gets. Except in our society that isn't the norm anymore, it's the exception...which is in and of itself a big issue, but I'll save that for another post. 

Certain parts of this post are me just playing devil's advocate. (Sorry to be so harsh at times guys). But parts of devil's advocate, I actually kind of bang with. I'm open to falling in love with whoever I fall in love with...but I don't think that if I did have a standard of men that requires what some people would deem "too much," I would be wrong. I can't go putting millionaire on my list of requirements, b/c let's be real... I'm no Drake, but to request the same things of a partner that I myself bring to the table, shouldn't be regarded as being "too picky."

So is it really the case that women are being too picky? Or is it that the majority of men out here are just too shitty?

I would love to hear your thoughts!

The Cheating Debate: To Stay or Walk Away

In light of recent reality television events and profound conversations I've engaged in with my friends and coworkers, I have decided to have a few-part series (I don't know how many yet..lol) on the Cheating Debate.

Part I: To Stay or Walk Away

If you watch Love and Hip Hop on VH1, you witnessed first hand, Chrissy's (who rapper Jim Jones has been in a committed relationship with for 7 years) monologue regarding how the girlfriends/baby mommas/wives of high profile rappers (and we can go ahead and lump athletes and other famous and fine men), should approach their relationships...realistically.

If you don't watch, you can get a summary of what she said here.

 I think we can all agree that at least Chrissy isn't naive. The part that gets cloudy is whether or not it's acceptable for her to just be satisfied with the fact that when you date a certain caliber of man (specifically the kind with groupies) there will be infidelity. And although no woman wants that, it's part of the package. The way you know he loves and respects you is [not by whether or not he cheats at all, but..] by how well [or poorly] he keeps it a secret.

For Emily, Chrissy's friend, the problem with rapper Fabulous is that he was all out and about with his cheating, which is obviously a lack of respect. But for her and Jimmy...well Jimmy knows better than to let her see or hear anything. And that demonstrates his respect for their relationship.

Now in just typing that, I see something inherently wrong with Chrissy's definition of respect. Because if that's respect then what is it called when your man just doesn't ever cheat on you. Is that like...super respect?

On the other hand...reality is reality. Andddd the reality of it all is that, famous or not famous most men cheat. I said most not all. Repeat, most not all. And what Chrissy is saying here is that because this is quite impossible to avoid, at the very least, a man should make sure his hos stay silent. I can bang with it...kind of.

In the link above, the YBF blogger maintains that she's sick of women settling for men mistreating them just because it comes nicely packaged with big houses and expensive things. Why can't you be bossy, attain your own, buy you own big house and expensive things, and find a man who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Why just turn the other cheek just because you're too lazy to make your own?

She has a valid point.

But in conversation with some of my good girlfriends we all agreed...that ish is easier said than done. Because as women who have attained degrees (some of us multiple), are independent, and have our heads on straight, it is hard as hell to find a great normal ass faithful man.  I would argue that it's as if you have to pick one or the other: respect yourself, be independent, attain and buy your own OR be a good woman, let a man be the head of your household, buy you nice things and be okay with the fact that he occasionally steps out on you (as long as he knows how to keep it hush, hush). Raise your hand if you know more than a couple people with the best of both worlds.

Anddd as the saying goes...the grass isn't always greener. Women like myself, who are independent and self sufficient (and are usually sitting on our high horses talking about what we ain't gon' deal with), are thinking, well maybe it wouldn't be so bad to tolerate the cheating because we are just sick of being out here single as all get out. And women on the other side (say an Emily of sorts) feel like, I'm worth more than this and I need to show him I don't need his ass. The money and nice ish don't mean more than my dignity at the end of the day.

But the truth of the matter is that as soon as you switch sides, you'll probably miss what you had on the other side. That of course, doesn't really keep anybody from switching...

So I can respect Chrissy...because she's chosen her side and she's sticking with it. I think she realizes that the alternative comes with it's set of issues as well...and it's really just about which set of issues you want to take on. And when you look at it that way...well, it's pretty darn simple whether you should...

Stay or Walk away

What do you think? Is Chrissy completely wrong, right or in between? Men, we would love to hear from you as well!! Comment below.