I enjoy reading a few blogs written by young Black males, mainly because they give an interesting perspective on how today's pool of young Black women are viewed by our counterparts. An overarching theme I've heard from these guys, and many others within my network, is that women are too picky.
Sometimes, I'm inclined to agree with this assertion. I myself, have deleted a few items from my list of must-haves in a man. But I'm not 100% sure I did this because my list was wrong of me to have in the first place, or if it was just too darn unrealistic given the current pool of men out here.
More often than not, we (and I'm speaking for the college-educated, good career toting, own apartment/house and car, no kids, attractive and fashion forward women) are criticized for having a laundry list of expectations and demands for any guy we'll even consider dating material, let alone boyfriend or husband material. While I would agree that it does limit us to the pool of men to choose from...I'm not quite sure that it's irrational for us to have this list.
Traditionally, and let's admit it, the majority of us want to operate traditionally, men are the captain of the ship, the head of the household, the provider, the leader, the man. I think that for me and women like me, who have attained a lot at a fairly young age, it might just be the case that it takes a long laundry list to be the captain of our ships.
Let's take me for example. I am 25, with an advanced degree, my own apartment, my own car, I am looking to make manager at my current job in the next two years (so my goal is to make director by the time I'm 30)...if I attain this, it means hopefully making six figures by or before I turn 30. (These are GOALS...hint hint, looking for a man who has them!) I'm pretty sure I'd be considered normal by social standards...I make friends easily, I have a broad network of peers in multiple career areas, I come from a pretty decent family...oh and I almost forgot, I don't have any kids and I'm a Certified Public Accountant.
I would like to think that "long" laundry list of, what I'd like to call, "bossy" qualities about myself (please excuse my lack of humility for the purposes of this post), entitles me to request the same of any man I want to give my attention to. No?
With that in mind, I'd want a man between 25-30, with an advanced degree, his own apartment/home (I don't have a roommate, but compromise is key so I won't judge if he has one) and car, on the career track to be making at least six figures by 30 (if he's not doing it already), with a decent network of friends, colleagues and peers (don't be a weirdo or asshole), a good family, and some type of [hard to attain] licensure for his line of work. NO KIDS. And it would be nice if he were also attractive (by my standards) and God-fearing.
That man almost sounds like Mr. Perfect huh?
I feel like if I made a bold statement that this is what I want, this is my list...my mama might even tell me I'm asking for too much. But why? All I'm asking for is someone like me!
Check this: In the military, you don't get to become the Captain if you haven't yet proven yourself to be a great Lieutenant. Furthermore, the Lieutenant never leads the Captain...ever. Why would I want a man to be the Captain of my ship and he hasn't even made it to my rank...Lieutenant? I'll let you think about it.
To take this a little further...
We all love the Obamas, not only because they are the President and First Lady of the United States, but because they represent tradition. Barack is the man, he is the Captain, there is no confusion about that. Michelle is his wife, the mother of his children, she is the Lieutenant, and she follows his lead. Yet and still, Michelle is a very accomplished woman in her own right. We get the impression that her husband respects her and loves her, regardless of their ranks. But, would we look at their relationship the same if Barack were a truck driver (or insert any career here that doesn't make as much as Michelle did before she became the First Lady) and Michelle were just as successful as she was before the Presidency?
Probably not. I mean we'd probably feel like Michelle is on her "ish". But we wouldn't glorify the couple in the same way we do now. The order would be messed up...that's not the way things are supposed to be...it doesn't follow tradition...it isn't normal. And let's admit, the reason we love the Obamas is because they are as "normal" of a couple as it gets. Except in our society that isn't the norm anymore, it's the exception...which is in and of itself a big issue, but I'll save that for another post.
Certain parts of this post are me just playing devil's advocate. (Sorry to be so harsh at times guys). But parts of devil's advocate, I actually kind of bang with. I'm open to falling in love with whoever I fall in love with...but I don't think that if I did have a standard of men that requires what some people would deem "too much," I would be wrong. I can't go putting millionaire on my list of requirements, b/c let's be real... I'm no Drake, but to request the same things of a partner that I myself bring to the table, shouldn't be regarded as being "too picky."
So is it really the case that women are being too picky? Or is it that the majority of men out here are just too shitty?
I would love to hear your thoughts!
Can I say that both points may be true??? I think that because so many women are accomplished and independent, some men have taken a backseat to what should be them owning it.
ReplyDeleteI also think some women exepct a man to be their exact equal (on every level) - would a man expect that of a woman? No. There are men who make WELL above 6-figures who MARRY women with a GED. I don't think that your education status speaks to your drive, or to your competency. So in that case, I wouldn't want to say my man needs X degree and make 6 figures. Honestly - if my man had his own business, loved what he did, supported, and provided and led our house - I'd be a happy woman, and you don't NEED a degree to have these things.
What's most important is whether or not he knows God because this will affect how he treats me, and how he runs our future house. :) This is just my opinion, and I can say that I've settled in the past. I don't plan to do that again, I know my worth, and plan to marry a man who at least meets me - but more importantly, someone who makes me better.
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ReplyDeleteI tend to get caught in the middle of this argument quite a bit because like you I'm young (24) and have a lot going for myself (degree from top ten university, working on a Master's, omw to a CPA, car, home ,etc.)but I have 3 brothers and thus have the opportunity to understand the male POV.
ReplyDeleteI agree that young women are entitled to demand a lot out of potential mates- success being one of those requirements. After all, we see what a few generations of women with relaxed standards have helped contribute to within our communities (Sorry to moms, aunts, and older sisters everywhere, but it's true).
There are a few things that complicate the notion of having requirements of our black men, including: a) everyone has her own metrics for success, some are based in reality, others are not. Example, I personally would like to make six figures by age 30, build a strong and united family, and give back as much as possible. BUT my mate needs to have his own goals, making real progress towards those goals, no children (preferably), and have one degree as education is EXTREMELY important to me! I don't care how much he makes, as long as he does what he does with integrity!
b) Younger women have more time and more options, thus it's easier to be picky. I'm sure our 35+ peers would pass down the wisdom that sometimes, checking off all items on our "wish list" is less important than having a quality man who leads a family and treats you right!
c)Despite what many brothers will have you believe, there are more of us than them...that realization alone may make a young sister edit that list.
I think we need to meet in the middle if we want to save our black relationships. We will cripple our community if we refuse to demand more of our black men, yet we're hurting ourselves if we don't extend understanding and acceptance to them. So I guess my stance is brothers, stop making excuses! Sisters, get real, what do you really NEED in a man? Because it darn sure isn't six figures!