The Cheating Debate: To Stay or Walk Away

In light of recent reality television events and profound conversations I've engaged in with my friends and coworkers, I have decided to have a few-part series (I don't know how many yet..lol) on the Cheating Debate.

Part I: To Stay or Walk Away

If you watch Love and Hip Hop on VH1, you witnessed first hand, Chrissy's (who rapper Jim Jones has been in a committed relationship with for 7 years) monologue regarding how the girlfriends/baby mommas/wives of high profile rappers (and we can go ahead and lump athletes and other famous and fine men), should approach their relationships...realistically.

If you don't watch, you can get a summary of what she said here.

 I think we can all agree that at least Chrissy isn't naive. The part that gets cloudy is whether or not it's acceptable for her to just be satisfied with the fact that when you date a certain caliber of man (specifically the kind with groupies) there will be infidelity. And although no woman wants that, it's part of the package. The way you know he loves and respects you is [not by whether or not he cheats at all, but..] by how well [or poorly] he keeps it a secret.

For Emily, Chrissy's friend, the problem with rapper Fabulous is that he was all out and about with his cheating, which is obviously a lack of respect. But for her and Jimmy...well Jimmy knows better than to let her see or hear anything. And that demonstrates his respect for their relationship.

Now in just typing that, I see something inherently wrong with Chrissy's definition of respect. Because if that's respect then what is it called when your man just doesn't ever cheat on you. Is that like...super respect?

On the other hand...reality is reality. Andddd the reality of it all is that, famous or not famous most men cheat. I said most not all. Repeat, most not all. And what Chrissy is saying here is that because this is quite impossible to avoid, at the very least, a man should make sure his hos stay silent. I can bang with it...kind of.

In the link above, the YBF blogger maintains that she's sick of women settling for men mistreating them just because it comes nicely packaged with big houses and expensive things. Why can't you be bossy, attain your own, buy you own big house and expensive things, and find a man who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Why just turn the other cheek just because you're too lazy to make your own?

She has a valid point.

But in conversation with some of my good girlfriends we all agreed...that ish is easier said than done. Because as women who have attained degrees (some of us multiple), are independent, and have our heads on straight, it is hard as hell to find a great normal ass faithful man.  I would argue that it's as if you have to pick one or the other: respect yourself, be independent, attain and buy your own OR be a good woman, let a man be the head of your household, buy you nice things and be okay with the fact that he occasionally steps out on you (as long as he knows how to keep it hush, hush). Raise your hand if you know more than a couple people with the best of both worlds.

Anddd as the saying goes...the grass isn't always greener. Women like myself, who are independent and self sufficient (and are usually sitting on our high horses talking about what we ain't gon' deal with), are thinking, well maybe it wouldn't be so bad to tolerate the cheating because we are just sick of being out here single as all get out. And women on the other side (say an Emily of sorts) feel like, I'm worth more than this and I need to show him I don't need his ass. The money and nice ish don't mean more than my dignity at the end of the day.

But the truth of the matter is that as soon as you switch sides, you'll probably miss what you had on the other side. That of course, doesn't really keep anybody from switching...

So I can respect Chrissy...because she's chosen her side and she's sticking with it. I think she realizes that the alternative comes with it's set of issues as well...and it's really just about which set of issues you want to take on. And when you look at it that way...well, it's pretty darn simple whether you should...

Stay or Walk away

What do you think? Is Chrissy completely wrong, right or in between? Men, we would love to hear from you as well!! Comment below.

I Knew He Was the One For You

I went to a wedding a few weekends ago for one of my ex-colleagues and her new hubby. It was beautiful. She was beautiful. They were beautiful.

I noticed during most, if not all, of the bridal party’s speeches, that people, in some way, shape, or form said “when he first told me about her” or “when she first told me about him, I knew s/he was someone special and/or the one.” I leaned over to my good girlfriend sitting next to me and said “so since apparently all of my friends will know who ‘the one’ is before I even know, can you let me know as soon as you know who my one is, because I would rather you not reveal that you knew for so dang on long at our wedding. I want to know right then damnit!” She cracked up laughing and assured me that she could do that much.

I had to wonder after listening to these speeches, do your friends really know when someone you meet is “different” and is the “one?” or is that just something people say during speeches because it sounds good and is polite to your new hubby/wifey?

I have actually had one of my very best friends tell me that she thinks (well now that she thought…and I guess maybe still thinks) that this one guy I recently experienced a connection with was the one. I mean…it makes sense that she thought that…heck, even I thought that. There is something extremely special about him that I can’t really put into words. There’s this compliment, even in the worst of times, that I feel like we give each other. Something I’ve never experienced before.  Now maybe I will experience this again. Who knows. But I know that he’s the first guy who I felt I could get through absolutely anything with and it was then that I realized that, that feeling is a VERY integral part of knowing you’ve found the “one.” Not love. Not happiness. But really FEELING like you can make it through the WORST of times with this person because you all have some natural (well really it’s unnatural) bond that will withstand the test of times. A feeling that when he’s not at his best, you can fill in, when you’re not at your best, he can fill in and when you both are not at your best, you still find a way to pull each other up out of the “bottom.” A feeling that even imagining him at his WORST, isn’t enough to make you think you’d ever want to leave. It’s just a very powerful feeling to have.  I think so at least.

I wondered to myself, is this maybe what the difference between loving someone and finding your soulmate is? I certainly don’t believe that everyone ends up with their soulmate. I think timing and proximity play such a big role in who you end up with, that sometimes, if you’re lucky enough for your soulmate to enter your life, s/he might exit just the same and you just have to be thankful that you got the chance to meet them at all.

I also wonder if the “thing” that my newly married friend’s bridal party saw is the same thing my friend sees.

I ALSO wonder if one of my very best friends is right.

Only time will tell.

And I happen to have recently fallen in love with this song. :-)

Question: What do you all think finding your soulmate feels like? Can outsiders see that you’ve found “the one” before you?