In light of recent reality television events and profound conversations I've engaged in with my friends and coworkers, I have decided to have a few-part series (I don't know how many yet..lol) on the Cheating Debate.
Part I: To Stay or Walk Away
If you watch Love and Hip Hop on VH1, you witnessed first hand, Chrissy's (who rapper Jim Jones has been in a committed relationship with for 7 years) monologue regarding how the girlfriends/baby mommas/wives of high profile rappers (and we can go ahead and lump athletes and other famous and fine men), should approach their relationships...realistically.
If you don't watch, you can get a summary of what she said here.
I think we can all agree that at least Chrissy isn't naive. The part that gets cloudy is whether or not it's acceptable for her to just be satisfied with the fact that when you date a certain caliber of man (specifically the kind with groupies) there will be infidelity. And although no woman wants that, it's part of the package. The way you know he loves and respects you is [not by whether or not he cheats at all, but..] by how well [or poorly] he keeps it a secret.
For Emily, Chrissy's friend, the problem with rapper Fabulous is that he was all out and about with his cheating, which is obviously a lack of respect. But for her and Jimmy...well Jimmy knows better than to let her see or hear anything. And that demonstrates his respect for their relationship.
Now in just typing that, I see something inherently wrong with Chrissy's definition of respect. Because if that's respect then what is it called when your man just doesn't ever cheat on you. Is that like...super respect?
On the other hand...reality is reality. Andddd the reality of it all is that, famous or not famous most men cheat. I said most not all. Repeat, most not all. And what Chrissy is saying here is that because this is quite impossible to avoid, at the very least, a man should make sure his hos stay silent. I can bang with it...kind of.
In the link above, the YBF blogger maintains that she's sick of women settling for men mistreating them just because it comes nicely packaged with big houses and expensive things. Why can't you be bossy, attain your own, buy you own big house and expensive things, and find a man who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Why just turn the other cheek just because you're too lazy to make your own?
She has a valid point.
But in conversation with some of my good girlfriends we all agreed...that ish is easier said than done. Because as women who have attained degrees (some of us multiple), are independent, and have our heads on straight, it is hard as hell to find a great normal ass faithful man. I would argue that it's as if you have to pick one or the other: respect yourself, be independent, attain and buy your own OR be a good woman, let a man be the head of your household, buy you nice things and be okay with the fact that he occasionally steps out on you (as long as he knows how to keep it hush, hush). Raise your hand if you know more than a couple people with the best of both worlds.
Anddd as the saying goes...the grass isn't always greener. Women like myself, who are independent and self sufficient (and are usually sitting on our high horses talking about what we ain't gon' deal with), are thinking, well maybe it wouldn't be so bad to tolerate the cheating because we are just sick of being out here single as all get out. And women on the other side (say an Emily of sorts) feel like, I'm worth more than this and I need to show him I don't need his ass. The money and nice ish don't mean more than my dignity at the end of the day.
But the truth of the matter is that as soon as you switch sides, you'll probably miss what you had on the other side. That of course, doesn't really keep anybody from switching...
So I can respect Chrissy...because she's chosen her side and she's sticking with it. I think she realizes that the alternative comes with it's set of issues as well...and it's really just about which set of issues you want to take on. And when you look at it that way...well, it's pretty darn simple whether you should...
Stay or Walk away
What do you think? Is Chrissy completely wrong, right or in between? Men, we would love to hear from you as well!! Comment below.
This is my take on it: Cheating is wrong - period, it should not be tolerated (it's one of the Ten Commandments, so I think it's pretty clear that it's something that should not be TOLERATED). Am I saying leave a man if he cheats once? Not necessarily, but constant cheating is unfaithfulness, it's wrong no matter how you spin it.
ReplyDeleteIt's totally wrong to say "all men cheat" also because that's a HUGE overstatement. In addition to that, if that's what you believe - then that will likely be the type of man you will attract.
I think you have to be at a point where you don't settle for a guy who has everything BUT religion or everything BUT he cheats. If those are non-negotiables, then have faith that God will deliver.
I mean He's done a lot more, for things that are probably harder (hello Red Sea?) and is always faithful to fulfilling your desires. Now, will that happen before you're 30? Who knows, but I've shifted my focus off of "a man" and onto Him. By doing this, and praying, I don't have the same urgency to get married/date/etc. I'm happy where I am, and confident that God will fulfill my desire to be married by HIM providing me with a loving, faithful, believing husband. *off my soap box*
I agree with all of the above Mo and would just like to clarify that I said most men cheat...not all. I'm not sure if you were saying that I was saying all men cheat, but I just wanted to clarify for future commenters. :-)
DeleteI think there's a difference between approaching this from a religious standpoint and a not-so-religious standpoint. Because I'm religious I can agree with everything you said...but I can also understand where the non-religious folks come from. I always think that it's a lot to ask of people to just have faith that God will provide, when they don't have that strong spiritual foundation in the first place. Now asking them to try getting to know God (in general) and see where it'll take them on their quest for love is one thing...and I can bang with that.
Def agree with the non-negotiables buttttt those non-negotiables may be different for everyone. So I think the point here is that for Chrissy and a lot of other women, cheating isn't on their list of non-negotiables (regardless of what the Bible says)...but I guess keeping the cheating hush, hush is???
And let's admit, there are TONS of things in the Bible...commandments and otherwise, that we let slide and don't hold as non-negotiables in a relationship. No?
I don't really know how to feel about this one. I think it's unfair to say that if a man has a certain status/label that automatically means he's gonna cheat. I just think it's easier or more accessible to cheat when you have a certain amount of money or fame. It's like the whole Tiger Woods thing. A lot of people weren't really outraged that he was cheating, some were just mad that he didn't have the intelligence to use his resources to keep it on the low! Plus let us not forget that it's not just the man who's cheating, but the groupie/jumpoff who doesn't care enough to know whether he's in a relationship or not.
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard to make a blanket statement like "I would leave if my man cheated." or even to take the opposite stance & say, "I know things happen, so meh." I think the main issue here is the respect factor, which is what Chrissy was kinda talking about & why Emily feels so betrayed. Fab was pretty much out with his shit & it was like every1 knew he was cheating except Em, which is indeed disrespectful. However, one could argue that him cheating period is disrespectful (whether or not it's public) not only to his girl but to his kid & to himself if he made a promise to be loyal. I know they weren't married or engaged but when you're in an exclusive relationship with someone an agreement should be made to date only each other.
I think a lot of times people make it seem like cheating is the worst thing that can happen in a relationship & I totally disagree with that. Being in a serious relationship has shown me that a lot of single people (including me when I was single) have this idea about what a relationship SHOULD be, but I believe it totally depends on the couple. I used to look at other people's relationships & praise/criticize as I saw fit. I would say things like, "That's how I want to live." or "I would never stand for that." Truth is, I'm sure there are things about me other men wouldn't tolerate & there are things about my man that other women wouldn't tolerate. In the same breath, I can say that if I had to deal with those same things with another man I can't say I'd feel the same way. It all has to do with the personal relationship he & I have, which no one will ever be able to COMPLETELY relate to. (I should also put a disclaimer in here that there are some things that I think are non-negotiables for everyone such as abuse).
I realize how hard it is out here for (black) women to find men "on their level." My fiancé & I have this conversation on a regular basis & he always points out that a lot of girls out here don't have their shit together either, which I can't deny. Women are generally attracted to status while men are attracted to beauty & youth. My aunt always told me "It is a man's world, baby." And until recently, I didn't really understand what that meant. In the end, intelligent, & successful women & not-so-hardworking gold-diggers all want the same thing: a man. The difference lies in why they want one and how they'll get/keep one. Like Speedy said, you kinda have to choose one side or the other.
Sometimes I think my friends & I need a reality show. Or at least an online show that comments on reality shows.