The Cheating Debate: To Stay or Walk Away

In light of recent reality television events and profound conversations I've engaged in with my friends and coworkers, I have decided to have a few-part series (I don't know how many yet..lol) on the Cheating Debate.

Part I: To Stay or Walk Away

If you watch Love and Hip Hop on VH1, you witnessed first hand, Chrissy's (who rapper Jim Jones has been in a committed relationship with for 7 years) monologue regarding how the girlfriends/baby mommas/wives of high profile rappers (and we can go ahead and lump athletes and other famous and fine men), should approach their relationships...realistically.

If you don't watch, you can get a summary of what she said here.

 I think we can all agree that at least Chrissy isn't naive. The part that gets cloudy is whether or not it's acceptable for her to just be satisfied with the fact that when you date a certain caliber of man (specifically the kind with groupies) there will be infidelity. And although no woman wants that, it's part of the package. The way you know he loves and respects you is [not by whether or not he cheats at all, but..] by how well [or poorly] he keeps it a secret.

For Emily, Chrissy's friend, the problem with rapper Fabulous is that he was all out and about with his cheating, which is obviously a lack of respect. But for her and Jimmy...well Jimmy knows better than to let her see or hear anything. And that demonstrates his respect for their relationship.

Now in just typing that, I see something inherently wrong with Chrissy's definition of respect. Because if that's respect then what is it called when your man just doesn't ever cheat on you. Is that like...super respect?

On the other hand...reality is reality. Andddd the reality of it all is that, famous or not famous most men cheat. I said most not all. Repeat, most not all. And what Chrissy is saying here is that because this is quite impossible to avoid, at the very least, a man should make sure his hos stay silent. I can bang with it...kind of.

In the link above, the YBF blogger maintains that she's sick of women settling for men mistreating them just because it comes nicely packaged with big houses and expensive things. Why can't you be bossy, attain your own, buy you own big house and expensive things, and find a man who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Why just turn the other cheek just because you're too lazy to make your own?

She has a valid point.

But in conversation with some of my good girlfriends we all agreed...that ish is easier said than done. Because as women who have attained degrees (some of us multiple), are independent, and have our heads on straight, it is hard as hell to find a great normal ass faithful man.  I would argue that it's as if you have to pick one or the other: respect yourself, be independent, attain and buy your own OR be a good woman, let a man be the head of your household, buy you nice things and be okay with the fact that he occasionally steps out on you (as long as he knows how to keep it hush, hush). Raise your hand if you know more than a couple people with the best of both worlds.

Anddd as the saying goes...the grass isn't always greener. Women like myself, who are independent and self sufficient (and are usually sitting on our high horses talking about what we ain't gon' deal with), are thinking, well maybe it wouldn't be so bad to tolerate the cheating because we are just sick of being out here single as all get out. And women on the other side (say an Emily of sorts) feel like, I'm worth more than this and I need to show him I don't need his ass. The money and nice ish don't mean more than my dignity at the end of the day.

But the truth of the matter is that as soon as you switch sides, you'll probably miss what you had on the other side. That of course, doesn't really keep anybody from switching...

So I can respect Chrissy...because she's chosen her side and she's sticking with it. I think she realizes that the alternative comes with it's set of issues as well...and it's really just about which set of issues you want to take on. And when you look at it that way...well, it's pretty darn simple whether you should...

Stay or Walk away

What do you think? Is Chrissy completely wrong, right or in between? Men, we would love to hear from you as well!! Comment below.

Curb Your Spending: Bucket Budgeting

I think that I've voiced my desire to bucket budget in the past, I just didn't know it had a name. But alas! It is a tried and true budgeting technique...not just a last ditch effort for someone, like me, who is having too much 25 year old fun and thinks she spends too much on entertainment purposes! 

I'm am putting this into action in my world like NOW. For you, I just highly recommend...especially if you're not good at sticking to a budget.

Bucket Budgeting

You may have to open up an extra bank account (I did), but I'm excited about how awesome this is going to be!

The general gist:


There are three buckets for your money: two checking accounts and one savings account. (Sidenote: this is budgeting of your actual take home pay...so no 401k biz here...we're only talking about what goes in your pocket every two weeks).


There are two direct deposits made from your pay check: one to your savings account. I would say this should be at least 10% (depending on how much you put into your 401k and any other savings methods you use). The other to one of the checking accounts. Any alternate way of doing this is to have one direct deposit (if your job doesn't allow two or you don't feel like setting up a second) and then have automatic transfers from your primary checking to your savings and secondary checking account. 

The deposit to the savings stays there. Or gets transferred to further savings/investment accounts.

A portion of the deposit to the primary checking is transferred into your secondary checking accounts. Let me explain the difference between the primary and secondary.


Primary Checking: Houses the majority of your money and should be used for paying your bills. All of your bills, or as many as possible, should be automatic debited from this account on a monthly basis. 

Secondary Checking: Houses your disposable/entertainment income. YOUR SPENDING MONEY GOES HERE. This way, once you're out. You're out. And you cannot dip into your bill or savings money. It is strictly prohibited!

Three important rules for bucket budgeting:
1) No over drafting
2) No transferring additional "spending" money because you ran out
3) NO CREDIT CARDS!


This budget forces you to live within your means. Many financial advisers will attest that the number 1 way to stay financially stable is to learn to live within your means. Once you've done this...everything else is downhill from there.

This budget prevents you from having to micromanage your finances. All of your direct deposits and automated transfers move your money around for you. All you have to do is watch it go and only spend what you've given yourself. 

The article points out that this budget also creates "artificial scarcity" and forces you to learn to live on less. I agree andddd I love, love, love it!


WHAT I'D LOVE FROM YOU: If you try this and it works, comment and let us know. If you try this and it doesn't work, comment and let us know why not!

Making Philanthropy Fun: How to Get Engaged in Giving Back

One of 25 and retiring's readers requested that I write about philanthropy for twenty somethings. Coincidentally, I ran into this article on Wall Street Journal the same week: Making Philanthropy 'Fun' For Young Professionals

The key word for our generation is fun. We really only find value in spending time doing things we enjoy. I mean let's face it, we're pretty selfish like that. So when thinking about philanthropic opportunities that you can get involved in (and will most likely stay involved in) don't feel bad about measuring the fun factor.

A few creative ways to give back and enjoy it:

1) Participate in a program with children. For those of us who actually like them [children], programs like Big Brother Big Sister are a really fun way to give back. I participated as a Big Sister in Chicago my first year back and used it as an opportunity to do all of the fun, childish, touristy things I enjoy about the city but my friends might think are lame or a waste of time and money: ice and roller skating, Segway tours, trips to Navy Pier (more specifically the Children's museum), arts and crafts, etc.

2) Join a Junior Board. These are also a great way to meet other like-minded young professionals in your area. A lot of non profit organizations grab the attention of twenty somethings through their Junior Board. The Junior Board raises awareness about the organization while bringing in funds in the form of programming, events and fundraisers. Of course the board is composed of other young professionals, so meetings and things, while business-like and semi-serious can also be really fun because you usually become friends with fellow board members. This is also good to be able to put on your resume, especially if you assume a leadership position and can potentially prepare you to sit on the Executive Board of a non profit one day. I participated on a Junior Board in Chicago as well for two years and have gained very close and beneficial relationships with young professionals across different careers because of it, all the while assisting in the growth and development of a non profit whose mission I believed in. Pretty good deal.

3) Volunteer with Your Friends! When it comes to organizing a night out, afternoon at the movies, game night at someone's home, or a weekend road trip, we can organize away. Well what about organizing a fun volunteer activity for your group of friends on a Saturday afternoon (of course followed by lunch/dinner and drinks at your favorite bar or restaurant) at your local homeless or women's shelter or soup kitchen? Maybe you can even make it your annual Thanksgiving or Christmas activity??? I participate in a small group bible study with a group of young women and as part of our group we've designated someone to come up with community service activities for us to engage in from time to time. You can do this too if you're involved in a book club with friends or maybe if you go hoop with your boys on a weekly basis. The point is, anything you do with your buddies, will be guaranteed fun!

Making Him Wait

We all have different perspectives on how "long" we should make a guy wait to get the goodies. But do we ever think about whether we're making a guy wait too long?

Check it. I read an article in the February issue of Essence Magazine that talked about relationship myths. One of them (and obviously the one that really caught my attention), was something along the lines of:

"Giving it up too soon will give a guy the wrong impression and lump you into the easy/hobags category." 

To my surprise, the guy "expert" lending his advice for this myth said that as an adult, the time in which it takes to get the drawers doesn't heavily weigh on a guy's decision to seriously pursue a woman. He mentioned that he's had long relationships with women who he has slept with the first night they met him as well as women who made him wait a few dates, weeks, months.

We (women) always think that if you give it up too soon the guy will automatically think that everybody is hittin' it that soon. But he suggested that's not the case. Guys are cocky. They don't think every guy gets it that soon, they just think they did. Swag. lol. Basically, it plays to a guy's ego.

Who knew?!!!

Furthermore... he mentioned that actually, when a woman makes him wait too long...he oftentimes gets annoyed and becomes uninterested. *brakes screeching* WHAAAAT?!

Yall, this threw me...like all. the. way. Why would a woman wanting to be sure about taking the next step in a relationship make any good man disinterested? Or would it? If a man becomes disinterested...does that mean he wasn't any good for you anyway? Or does it mean, you're trippin' woman?

Readers...male and female...WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!

• What is the best window of time (to not give it up too soon but not make him wait too long)?
• How many men have actually become uninterested in a woman mostly based on this factor?
• Is this guy's perspective true for most men?

I would really love your thoughts in the comments section below. Please share! Let's discuss!

New Year...Continuous Journey

Happy 2012! 

2012 marks one year for 25andretiring. Wow.

Through it all, I am so proud of what I've been able to accomplish and I am looking forward to another year of even bigger and better from me.

Most people associate the new year with new beginnings. Normally I would take this stance. However, 2011 was such an amazing year that instead of starting anew, I would like to continue the journey I started in 2011.

I hope that whichever stance you take, you've spent the time to reflect on the past 365 days and pull from them things that made you a more exceptional person, and leave behind any and all pain, anxiety, worry or fear. This is the year to be fearless, powerful, loving, harmonious, strong and happy. This is the year of 25!

Peace and Blessings to you and yours. Happy New Year!

Do Better: Why Going Out On NYE Should Be A Financial Faux Pas

I'm not sure which holiday I find more pointless...Halloween or New Years' Eve. Why do I despise these two holidays so??? They cause people to be ridiculously reckless and not the least bit financially savvy.

Halloween
Let's be honest, there are two holidays that (as an adult) are only for the purpose of partying: St. Patty's and Halloween. St.Patty's I love. Halloween I hate.

Halloween costumes are the most expensive cheap thing I've ever seen in my life. Most of them are made out of something close to plastic (have you ever, EVER, seen a high quality Halloween costume?) but they cost you approximately $30-$40-$50 + shipping and handling  (because the really good ones probably aren't in stores). St. Patty's only requires a little green and a lot of beer. Both cheap options for me and just as fun.

Why would you ever waste your money on a Halloween costume?

New Years' Eve
Can someone please calculate (and post) how much money they spend on NYE...because I couldn't find a stat but I'm sure if people really calculated it, they would realize it is hardly the most fun they have all year but probably the most they pay to have fun all year. In fact, NYE might be the worst night ever to go out becauseeee:

• Every establishment charges an arm and a leg to get in. They make you think it's worth it because there's food and open bar but really that is just a ploy to help millions of not-so-smart people rationalize why it's remotely okay to spend $70-200 on cover to a club. Club goers say: "welllll I would spend that much including cover and drinks anyway, and I mean, it's NYE."
• Do you really consume enough drinks at a club on NYE to rationalize the crazy amount you paid for your ticket? I think not. We all know that the bar is so flipping crowded that it takes you at least 15 minutes to get one measly drink. The club owners usually put the kibosh on double fisting and you and your friends end up either making some elaborate scheme to figure out how you can maximize your alcohol intake, or become really annoyed and pissed at the barrage of people you have to fight through for one (included) drink. So most of you (admit it) pregame enough to make sure you only need a few drinks at the "open bar" because you know that filthy bar line could completely ruin your night. You learned your lesson on depending on that open bar last year right?
• Or, or, or, an alternative to the above is arriving at the party extremely early...likeeee 8:30/9 and soaking up as much alcohol as you can before it gets super crowded. But oh, by the time midnight hits, your feet are hurting, you're sweaty, you are almost starting to lose your buzz (and don't want to be bothered with the barrage of people at the bar because that's what you came early to avoid in the first place) andddd you realize...all of this still...is an ultimate FAIL.
• A new outfit is a must. Would anyone dare be seen in anything they already have in their closet? But I don't know why not...because NYE is easily the messiest club night of the year. Does anyone live by the 3-foot bubble rule? Well not on NYE you don't. Everything is jam packed, crowded, smushed, cramped, extremely annoying. This means more folks bumping into you, spilling on you, sweating on you and just overall touching you (and not in a good way).

If you've already wasted spent your money on a fabulous NYE ticket...no worries...I'm not judging you, I'm merely saying...

Maybe you can do better next year.

Are You The Type of Woman A Man SHOULD Date?

I think there's an important distinction to be made for the type of women men normally date and the type of women men should date. The difference is that men see the first type of woman (and date her) for all of the "less-important" superficial things. She is attractive - very desirable to other men aka "a nice arm piece". She has a good resume - education, ambition, "wifey" skills (cooking, cleaning, bearing children and still looking good after she does so). She is decent to hang out with - can be fun, good in bed, the fam will probably like her...essentially, he can stand being around her.

Don't get me wrong, all of those qualities are great to look for, but I think a major issue today is that 20-something men focus too much on those (and make them non-negotiables) and not enough on the ones that will shape, mold, and impact their lives in a far greater and more positive way for possibly a far longer time. In essence, they ignore the types of women they should date.

I was inspired to write this post by another blog - 7 Types of Women Every Man Should Date - and my own dating journey. I would highly recommend you read it first before proceeding because I won't go into detail about each type like the writer does.

This morning was my second time reading this post, but it spoke to me in a much different way than when I first read it. I asked myself, how many of these types do I believe I embody and how many of these types would the men I've dated/talked to/been emotionally involved with agree I embody. It is SO important to make the distinction between the two because let's face it, at the end of the day, perception is everything folks...especially if you want a ring on it.

So ladies, when/if you read the link above, please ask yourselves the same questions.

Men, if you read it, ask yourself how many of these types do you truly look for in a woman you decide to pursue. Not only that, but how many of these trump your more "superficial" non-negotiables like the ones I listed above. Maybe they should move a little higher on the list? #justsayin

Okay let's dig in. Starting with...

1. Submitted to God - for the sake of being politically correct I will say, submitted to a higher being or something larger than oneself. I run into soooo many people who are so worried about being "open minded" and "accepting" of different types of people, that they are willing to move this outrageously important quality to the back burner. Now obviously if you, the man, don't believe, then this would probably be N/A for you. But if you do and yo momma raised you to believe in God, submit to Him and pray (even if your behind isn't in church as much as you should be) and you are thankful that yo momma raised you with these values because they have in some large way/shape/form influenced you to become a man of high character...why, on Earth, would you want to be with someone who would not raise your children with the same values?! There are a ton of other reasons why this should be #1 on your list (like really #1, not a fake #1 that you can let go if you really like her) but I'm not going to go there. 
2.  A Selfless Woman - basically this means a PARTNER. For some reason, and men have this issue too, we are all so consumed with what we want to do for ourselves. "I want to make sure my money, career, body, car, clothes, are right." "I can't get serious about anything until I am where I want to be." All of these are selfish thoughts and they in no way shape or form help us practice how to be selfless. There are many, many successful couples (the Obamas being one of them) who have accumulated success in money, careers and lifestyles to-ge-ther. Not only do I think it's doable, but I also think it makes a stronger, longer lasting marriage (I will point back to the Obamas again) when you've built your life to-ge-ther. But before we even get there...we have to learn to be selfless. Practicing the me-me-me attitude in your 20's won't help your become more selfless. Maybe we should start focusing more on this now.
3. A Simple and Low Maintenance Woman - I had to read this description about three times because I would not use any of those words to describe me...but I understand why he's saying these women are good catches. However, I'm not sure I think that in order to be focused on the important things in life, you have to be simple or low maintenance. I associate simple and low maintenance with an inability to be flyy and...I. Just. Can't. lol. I think it's okay to like nice things and to want nice things. However, I think a man needs to discern whether the woman is truly able to restrain herself and let go of worldly possessions when needed. While she may like or want nice things, does she flip out when she has to forgo a nice thing for a while or forever? Maybe I'm just making excuses because I just don't measure up to this one. You decide.
4. A Woman Who Can Truly Be Your Best Friend - Once, when I was in high school, I got a piece of advice about marriage (from someone who has been in a very long one) that will stick with me forever: "You should always marry your best friend because you can never stay upset with your best friend for too long" (and therefore the bad things that happen in your marriage will not be able to permanently tear the two of you apart). It's Just. That. Simple. 
5. Emotionally Stable - I don't think this means the woman can't be emotional. She can be emotional...she just needs to know how to put her emotions in check and not let them govern her actions. I do think it's harder for more emotional women to accomplish this...because I am one...but it's not impossible and I definitely understand why this is important. 
6. A Loyal and Patient Woman - which requires a loyal and patient man. Should I repeat that? Yes it's awesome to have a woman who will be there through thick and thin, support your dreams and cheer you on. But oftentimes it seems that the reverse isn't always true. My issues and shortcomings may be different than yours, but that doesn't mean you get to expect my support and patience and then get annoyed/frustrated with the ways I am trying to grow. Please remember that. 
7. A Woman With Character - "Character is what we do when other people are not looking." One of the statements I hate most is when people go "Well s/he didn't do it to me, so I have no reason not to like her/him." What?! How does that make sense to you? I'm the type of woman that will get really upset if any guy I'm in the company of feels the need to call another woman a bitch. It speaks to your character.  If he is calling her a bitch that means he WILL call me a bitch and that is not okay. Any guy I spend time with should respect all women, even the ones that make him upset. Men this goes for you too. If you are dating a woman who is always talking about her friends or who doesn't respect her family, it speaks to her character. Just because it's not you she's talking about or disrespecting doesn't mean that she will never treat you that way. In fact she probably will.

I would like to consider myself more focused on being the type of woman a man realizes that he wants in his life for the long term. Unfortunately for myself and a lot of my close friends, it's really hard to keep hope alive because guys oftentimes look past you despite admitting that you have most (if not all) of the qualities listed above. They look past you because while they think those things are great, they're more focused on the superficial that makes them happy for 6 months to a year instead of the qualities that will keep them happy for a lifetime.

Posts like the one on Quentin McCall's blog help reassure me that I'm on the right path and that I'm focusing on the right enhancements, but also that I still have growing to do. God is not done with me yet but I'm glad that at 25 I can confidently say...

I am the type of woman a man should date.